Spark desire without saying much

I friend confided in me recently:

‘’I get plenty of first dates, but women never want to out with me again’’

It’s a story I hear all too often, especially from accomplished men who seem to have it all—looks, experience, success. They possess all the markers of desirability on the surface, yet it doesn’t get them very far with women.

In my experience, the issue isn’t that they don’t try hard enough. If anything, they try too hard—treating women like they would their male friends. They lead with their achievements, talk up their connections, share facts and figures, discuss ambitious plans, and, occasionally, revel in their accomplishments.

And while that’s not inherently a problem—some women enjoy these topics; I certainly do. My fascination with men comes from their ability to dominate these spaces and teach me about them. But, for most women, a date that stays on this level isn’t one that engages her emotions or piques her interest in you as a romantic potential.

Where many men fall short is in exercising discernment, the art of gauging a woman’s engagement in the conversation. I like to call it "attuning to the energy." And it’s not just men who fall into this trap—women can be just as susceptible.

When you can read the room, or "attune to the energy," you’ll quickly notice the signs: a woman’s attention slipping, her eyes glazing over, subtle signals of disengagement or boredom. This is where most dates derail, sliding into platonic discussions or, God forbid, monologues where seduction has no space to flourish. 

Too often, these dates end with phrases like, “I just didn’t feel the spark,” or, “You’re a great guy, but let’s stay friends.” A dagger in the heart, I hear you say…

So, what’s the secret to securing that elusive second date? Engage her emotions by getting her to talk about herself. By all means, tell her your passions, discuss the facts and figures that excite you, and indulge in a monologue that establishes you as knowledgeable in a topic.

But remain aware. 

Take a step back.

Observe her responses. 

Her body language, her micro-expressions—all of these give clues as to whether she’s engaged or checked out.

A successful date is a dance of seduction.

The seducer holds the reins, while the seducee becomes like wet clay—receptive, moldable in the hands of an artist.

The seducer’s role is to create a space where the other person can relax and lower their guard.  In conversation, the seducer will ask emotionally compelling questions that lead the seducee to open up and delve into deeper, more revealing topics.  The seducer always speaks less. 

On dates like these, you’ll often hear phrases like, “Wow, I feel like we’ve known each other forever,” or, “You’re so easy to talk to.” Ironically, it’s often because the seducer hasn’t said much at all.

The best dates are when both people get to play this role. The seducer casts his charm over the seducee, then switches roles, allowing himself to be drawn in as well.

In my experience, the main reason I’ve declined second dates was because I always took on the role of a seducer- a role which I relish and thrive in. A role which is me to the core. But when I was the only one doing the seducing, I often left with a feeling of power and control. He’s been captivated by me, but I wasn't captivated by him. He wants me, but I don’t want him.

And as a woman, I also desired to be seduced and surrender the reins, occasionally.

Men, if you can take one thing away from today’s lesson: talk less, and listen more. You’ll notice things only perceptible in silence. And you’ll cast spells only possible without words.