Antidote to fading desire (5)

‘’I don’t love him like before. Nothing has changed but everything has changed.’’

I recently read a story, In Search of Lost Time, by the French novelist Marcel Proust.
The narrator sees a beautiful girl named Gilberte playing in the Champs-Élysées and is instantly captivated by her. He dreams in loving detail of becoming her friend and having tea at her pretty house.

One magnificent day, his dreams become reality: Gilberte invites Marcel to afternoon tea. Marcel spends the first 15 minutes entranced, but as Gilberte pours tea and slices cake, he is struck by the growing realization that, while Gilberte is wonderful, the Gilberte of his imagination was more wonderful still.

What is the lesson here?

People in reality rarely live up to our idealized versions of them. Moreover, it's difficult to appreciate someone or love them with the same intensity over a sustained period of time. Conversely, expecting our partner to maintain the same passionate affection for us as they did at the beginning is unrealistic. Familiarity, Marcel argues, can dissipate even the most heated passions.

Does this mean that lasting love or appreciation is out of reach?

Well, Proust didn’t believe so. The French novelist spent many years of his life bedridden. While in bed, he began to think about Noah from the biblical story, adrift on his ark. Proust began drawing comparisons between his life and Noah's, both isolated from the world. Proust couldn't help but imagine how Noah must have appreciated land more than anyone else on Earth. The trees, the bushes, the mountains—he cherished his homeland more vividly in isolation than he ever could when his feet were planted on soil. 

A story that highlights how deprivation awakens appreciation.

I often think about what this means for relationships. How do we sustain passion for our loved ones without having to escape on an ark for 40 days and nights? How can we desire what we already have? Long-term relationships, in particular, are often at risk of falling prey to familiarity. The advice we hear about "more communication" and "acts of service" to spice things up—I'm calling bullsh*t.

Our craving for variety is hard to contain. From secretive affairs to ethical non-monogamy to living in separate houses, couples experiment with all sorts of ways to reignite their appetites. You can question their methods but not their results. 

Nevertheless, not all couples need to resort to such extreme measures. Even brief periods of separation can do wonders to rekindle desire. Whether it’s a weekend away from each other or a day spent out of contact, depriving yourself of your partner rewards you with a chance to be dazzled by them upon return.

If familiarity can dull passion, then unpredictability can be the antidote to restore it.

Give your loved one the gift of your absence.